The Despair of Gale Arcenal

I must confess. I compose all my entries without so much of a thought, just like I do today actually. But these are never meant to be taken seriously. I just hope to find these entries one day and laugh. Because nothing is really all that good when you recall them in your head.

After a notable absence from blogging, I find myself once again needing an outlet to vent. Not that I don’t have anyone to dish all of these out on, rather I am concerned that some of my rantings may portray me to be someone who has lost their mind. But then again, I really have no direction to begin with. Lately I have been just going along with the currents and letting it take me where it wants.

If there is one thing that is taking up a lot of my mental strain, it would be the seemingly impossible chase that I have willingly placed myself into. Chasing a dream that I once dreamt, giving myself the right to say that I tried. Like Darryl Sommers said ‘you’ll never ever know if you never ever go’

The chase my friends is the same old story, it’s always about a girl. One Sunday, I did some lurking on the social media and I found pictures of a certain cosplayer (who shall remain nameless for privacy’s sake). On a whim, I hit the ‘add’ button and forgot about it. A couple of hours later though, I received a rather quick reply. I was in. I thought I would drop her a line. I messaged her saying that I saw her photos from a recent event. I also added that I could have done better given the chance.

Now that was a bluff I am hoping to run into later rather than sooner as my photographic skills and concepts are yet to reach their zenith.

I left my message and tried to play it cool by not replying immediately if I were to be replied to. Sure, I managed to stave off the quick reply, but once a back and forth was established I was hooked. Days passed where meager conversations were made. I made my advances. I thought this would be the key to avoiding the so called ‘friendzone’. And as the message thread begins to accumulate, I wanted to stop and pause for a little while.

My opening salvo, me saying that I can take better photos, are for now a complete and utter lie. I don’t like to talk myself up but rather have my work speak for me. As of now though, my work wouldn’t really be screaming out and be proclaiming my greatness over the rooftops. I have some far-out ideas in my head, but my lack of experience and the limitations of my equipment, those ideas would remain in my head. I try to push my current tech to the boundaries but I find that my equipment may hit the eventual wall soon. I need to find the work arounds concerning the gear. These are, for the most part, financially based obstacles though. I think for now though, I should work with what I have and concentrate on getting better skills.

I’m chasing a girl folks, with so many things to overcome along the way. 

Somebody might be trying to get into my head. It would be a nice change from the empty thoughts of late. Seems I’m not as sharp as I used to be.

Last night I had a dream.

I was in a world cover with a misty filter, where everything shined beyond comprehension. The colours were so vibrant. My heart felt at ease.

Beside me was none other than the beautiful cosplay queen of the Philippines, Miss Alodia Almira Gosiengfiao.

She held my hand and called me ‘mine’. And as we strolled through the forest, hand in hand, our footsteps began to lighten. We soared through the sky, flying from one location to the next. I had no time to see where we were going though, all I can think about was her.

And that this was nothing more than a dream.

The pace picked up and suddenly we were back down to earth, among the sea of people we weren’t separated. Our hands were tightly gripping each other.

Then she spoke. She spoke of what fun it was to be with me. I replied in kind.

Then the scene changed again. Just a plain old room. A TV in front of us. We were playing on the Playstation 3. I didn’t know what game it was, I was just confused with what was happening.

Then I woke up.

I scour the internet, finding ways to replay a dream. I really didn’t want to wake up.

I was driving like I always do one day. I had to drop my old man off to his friend’s place when this Mazda cut me off.

Enrages, I beeped my horn violently at the lackluster driving that this car had just shown me. Beeps were traded and as we got to a stoplight, the Mazda’s driver side door opened. A woman exits the door and faces me.

“didn’t you see my indicator there?!” she yelled out.

I replied “at the last second I did, you cut me off!”

The woman then pauses for a second and then continued with “it’s because I’m not ASIAN isn’t it?!”

I was taken aback. I was like WTF. Seriously, this woman had the nerve to go there. Being a minority, I do sometimes have a prejudice towards the majority. This one takes the cake though.

Realising that this was fruitless I just kept shaking my head at her.

If anything, I was being sexist not racist.

February 14. What to say? Just another day isn’t it? 

Shower the one you love on this special day? I once bought into that. Flying solo gives you a different perspective on things, it’s amazing. Not being obliged to fall into the trappings of ‘St. Valentine’s day’. They beheaded the guy for marrying people at a time when marriage was outlawed and he became a saint…. Right. Not really keen on how you pagans work.

I do remember one February 14 a couple of years back. I was still being strung along by a cruel ex. It was raining that day and she said she needed a lift to the city or something. So being the fool that I was, I went and put my hand up for the deed. I was trying my best not to get my hopes up that day, I really did. But when you are hurt and vulnerable, you just can’t fight yourself. I thought to myself to make the most of the chance that was given. How futile, how stupid…. how childish. That day I lost sight of myself and despair soon followed. 

So I picked her up. I drove. She distracted me by saying ‘happy Valentine’s day’ . What selfishness. She didn’t seem to know that every word she said was hurting me that day. But like a moth to the flame, I succumbed to my emotional side. She gave me a present. My logical side would have just thrown it out the window as I drove, but alas, emotion ruled the day. And in the rain that continued, I then proceeded to rear-end a car in front of me. Slapping me with a claim bill I really did not need at the time. And without even a word, we arrived at the destination and she left. Great. I got out of the house in the pouring rain just for that. I guess doing things with an ulterior motive really does not pay off.

Lesson learned that day. 

Folks, if you really love someone, you don’t a special day to celebrate it. Though some couples might need a day to resuscitate their relationship, why not do it at the first chance you get. You don’t need Hallmark to tell you that this is the day and blah blah blah.

The measure of a person isn’t on their looks but by their character. Girls I know start complaining about being fat. Personally, I think it’s quite stupid that they would think that. Newsflash girls, guys like a little bit of meat. Fragile sticks were never our thing. The world of magazines, with their airbrushed pictures, are quite the source of despair. They only make young women feel insecure about themselves. But that’s not to say that we shouldn’t take care of ourselves. Just don’t go crazy thin or fat. When a girl makes me smile, makes me a bit nervous, make me say stupid things once in a while, stirs up my emotions and what not is the way I want to look at her. When just being at the same place as her, possibly having a conversation, makes me giddy with anticipation. When I can remember fun times with her. That’s all I need.